SOCA evidence#1342, Case #400535. 12/06/2035. HMG vs. Hugh De Vier
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WandaSalazar: Morning everyone!!! New series meetings this week!!! so excited…
Half a minute ago from Tweetdeck. Reply Retweet
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From: Hugh De Vier
Subject: New Series
Date: 3 March 2020 09:01:23 GMT
To: Edgar De’Montfort Delaney, Room 116
Edgar,
Have you reviewed the viewing figures for last year’s series? Where did the audiences go? Most episodes we didn’t make the fifteen-minute before mass switch-off. We’re down so many points that we are screwed in this months sweeps. No advertiser will come near us. Jesus, Edgar. Some one is for the chop and it is not going to be me. I’m looking at you, Edgar. If there’s pressure from the morons upstairs I will need a fall guy and your round head is looking like humpty dumpty to me. Okay? What do we have for this series? It had better be good. I do not want to have to resort to plugola again to pay the mortgage. The network saw all of those very cleverly placed things around the set and put two and two together. We are already tabloid TV but we might have to go spectacularly trash on this.
We need a spectacular.
H
P.s. Where is M’Bekki? We need his investment.
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From: Edgar De’Montfort Delaney
Subject: Re: New Series
Date: 3 March 2020 09:22:45 GMT
To: Hugh De Vier
Hugh,
I will be talking to Yamamoto today and impressing on him the leaps the next series will be taking. I don’t know how much we could lose in the sweeps but I’m sure Yamamoto will be loyal.
Re. the next series, I have the whole team working on it now. We can call in Random and Poltiverse Inc. as well. I’ll get the ideas team from Forwardintothegreatwideyonder to come in for a brainstorm.
I take it Mrs. De Vier is well,
Edgar
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3 March 2020 09:24
Mrs. De Vier is none of your business.
From: 07546345726
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WandaSalazar: I’ll let you all know the inside gossip on the new series as it happens!!!
two minutes ago from Tweetdeck. Reply Retweet
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From: Edgar De’Montfort Delaney
Subject: Renegotians
Date: 3 March 2020 10:34:32 GMT
To: Mato Yamamoto
Dear Mr. Yamamoto,
As you will be aware the new series of House Bound is being discussed next week. Would it be possible to schedule a meeting to discuss the Yamamoto corporation’s ongoing sponsorship of the program. If you let me know when you would be available I will be able to suggest a suitable time for both of us.
Regards,
Edgar De’Montfort Delaney
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The Times 04/03/20
Japanese reality show contestant killed in grisly murder live on television.
Last night Japan was in a state of deep shock after a contestant on the reality television show ‘Big House Small Minds’ murdered another live on the air. Shiro Chiba decapitated Fumiko Yushida with an axe that the contestants had been given to chop wood for a trial. Yushida’s head was held up for the cameras whilst the other five contestants barricaded themselves in the communal bedroom. It took police two hours to talk Chiba into surrendering to the authorities. The cameras did not switch off and reports from Tokyo are that ‘Big House Small Minds’ is not going off air. Yushida’s family have given their consent for the program to continue and the other contestants have decided to stay in the house. ‘Big House Small Minds’ creators Shallow Pool have reported their viewing figures for the live feed rising significantly.
Paul Trotwood, Tokyo.
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From: Hugh De Vier
Subject: Chiba
Date: 4 March 2020 09:04:59 GMT
To: Edgar De’Montfort Delaney
Edgar,
Did you read about ‘Big House Small Minds’ in The Times? Can we get this Chiba chap on our show? TeleCorp owns the Japanese company doesn’t it? He’ll have a contract. Just blue sky thinking but…? I don’t know how. Imagine!
H
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From: Edgar De’Montfort Delaney
Subject: Re: Chiba
Date: 4 March 2020 10:45:15 GMT
To: Hugh De Vier
Hugh,
Looked into it. Not impossible. We own his contract and all of our new contestants have signed ‘all in’ contracts. TeleCorps owns them all.
When do you want Wanda in?
Edgar
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WandaSalazar: Anyone tried Yamamoto running shoes? Sooooo good with the treadmill!!!!
thirty-four minutes ago from Tweetdeck. Reply Retweet
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From: Hugh De Vier
Subject: Re: Re: Chiba
Date: 4 March 2020 13:43:47 GMT
To: Edgar De’Montfort Delaney
Edgar,
Get her in tomorrow. The idiot’s probably forgotten we’re starting a new series.
I have another idea,
H
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From: Mato Yamamoto
Subject: Re: Renegotians
Date: 4 March 2020 15:53:21 GMT
To: Edgar De’Montfort Delaney
Dear Mr. De’Montfort Delaney,
In regards to your enquiry about possible renegotiations, the Yamamoto Corporation has some reservations about the programs points’ loss during the last series, especially concerning the fifteen-minute mark. We do not want to pay for a limited fifteen-minute window of effective viewer contact time. I am sure that you understand this concern and I want our meetings to begin with this at the forefront of everybody’s minds.
I will be available on the 7 March at 9:00 AM.
Until then,
Yours sincerely,
Mato Yamamoto
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4 March 2020 16:01
Shit, shit, shit, H. Y used ‘concern’ and ‘reservation’ in email. He has ratings anxiety. In on Friday @ 9.
From: 07536274399
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The Times 04/03/20
President Missing In West African Country Still ‘In Hospital.’
According to reports coming out of the small West African country of East Mawali the president Joseph Prince M’Bekki has disappeared. The church is calling for an emergency meeting to discuss the vise-president taking charge and citing the ‘power vacuum’ as ‘potentially destabilizing’ for the newly formed democracy. The fears are that the army has spirited the president away and is planning a bloodless coup. It is unknown whether the army is fully behind the president but foreign commentators speculate that they are not. The 42 regional governors have met to call for the ailing president to step down amidst angry scenes in the Hopetown parliament buiding, as pro- and anti- M’Bekki elements of the cabinet shouted each other down. The official line is that M’Bekki went in to hospital in Yemen for a routine operation two weeks ago and that he will return as soon as he is ready. ‘The president is absolutely fine and this is all over nothing,’ a government spokesman told Reuters.
Roger Allforum, Hopetown.
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WandaSalazar: @DeKruetz In the meeting now!!! I’ll let u no how it goes.
Four minutes ago from Tweetdeck. Reply Retweet
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DeKruetz: @ WandaSalazar Thank you Wanda. Good luck.
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Big House, Small Minds: The Inside Story.
Chapter Thirteen.
By Edgar De’Montfort Delaney with Paul Strutter
Inside the meeting room seven plastic chairs were arranged around a pale wooden table. There was a white board in one corner and a large Yucca plant by the door. Edgar De’Montford Delaney was arranging biscuits on a white porcelain plate. He wanted the darker Bourbon biscuits to surround lighter Digestives with the lightest, the Rich Teas sat on the top. He was aware that no one liked the Rich Teas. His theory was that people might be too embarrassed to pick them off to get to the lower level biscuits, so might eat them first. He then arranged pens and paper around the table and made sure the chairs were straight before going over his notes again.
Hugh opened the door talking on his mobile. Edgar jumped nervously, caught by surprise. “Sorry I’m late, E. Is Wanda not here yet?” Hugh said, switching his mobile onto silent and putting in the company’s password into the Wi-Fi settings. His phone always forgot the password and he ended up manually putting in the long, nonsensical string of numbers and letters. It always put him in a bad mood as he inevitably fat-fingered some part of it and had to start again.
“Not yet, Hugh. She’s a bit like that Marianas Trench[i] thingy.”
“Biscuit, Hugh?” Edgar handsomely pointed at the carefully arranged plate.
“No… Actually, yes, why not?” Hugh said, going straight for a Bourbon from the lowest layer, knocking all of the Rich Teas on to the table. Edgar went around the table and began to rearrange the pile.
“Stop being such a woman, E.”
“Sorry, Hugh.”
“Where is this ridiculous airhead? Have you read her Twitter? She is definitely not a crash kid[ii]. I know there’s a moratorium on spelling and grammar in there but that doesn’t include sentient thought as well, does it? I wish we had robots capable of giggling at live feeds and introducing segments… Oh! Hello, Wanda!”
Wanda stood in the doorway, leaning on the frame and tapping an unlit cigar on her watch. She was wearing high heels, leggings and a grey fur coat. Her hair was dyed blue. “Not late am I, Hugh?”
“Not at all my dear. Would you like a biscuit?”
“No thanks. I’m sucking a cigar. My trainer said it would help with my nicotine cravings.”
“Still trying to give up?”
“Yes, and failing.”
“Take a seat, Wanda. Edgar, when are the others arriving?”
“Not for half an hour.”
“Great. Now Wanda, what do you know about ‘Big House, Small Minds?”
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WandaSalazar: OMG!!! This series is gonna blow your mind!! J
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WandaSalazar: I’m so sorry. None of this was my idea.
twenty minutes ago from Tweetdeck. Reply Retweet
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[i] The Marianas Archipelago Freighter Incident.
In 1964 a Japanese freighter ran aground on the shore of a small island in the Marianas Archipelago. The chain of islands is on the edge of the Marianas Trench, the deepest part of any ocean on planet Earth. You could sit Mt. Everest on the bottom of the trench and the peak would still be two thousand metres below the surface of the water. At the bottom the water pressure is over a thousand times that of sea level. Exploratory submersibles have seen plastic bags & crushed cola cans floating in the currents near the bottom. The local Chamorro tribe believe that the Marianas Trench is both the birthplace and after world for all people on earth.
The Japanese freighter, covered with barnacles, dwarfed the palm trees on the beach. Its colossal bow, scraped and dented, cut a wedge into the sand in the shallows just beyond the surf. The Chamorro gathered on the shoreline to wait for the inhabitants to disembark from the giant ship.
But nobody appeared.
The tribe waited until evening then realised nothing more would happen that day. Leaving a guard of three men, the chief decided to return the next morning and to send out boats to try to make contact with the freighters crew. The islands Christian missionary declared it a Japanese navy ship from the Second World War, him being a veteran of the conflict. The chief asked him to leave, that he could handle the situation himself.
In the morning the three night guards reported nothing strange and the tribes vigil began again. After sending a boat with his finest warriors and his priest as negotiator, the chief was confused to find the boat still unresponsive. So he decided to send his cleverest warrior shimmying up the anchor chain that hung from the ship to investigate. The warrior, after waving from the deck of the freighter, did not return. So a second, third, and fourth was sent up the chain to disappear until the chief decided he could not risk any more men.
And then a creaking sound came from the ship, a deep metallic rumble and a high screech, which caused the Chamorro to run up the beach to the safety of a group of palm trees. Then at the bough black dots began appearing over the edge of the rail. More appeared all along the boat’s sides and the chief surmised it might be the freighter’s crew. He took their assembling as an affront and remembering his four lost warriors he had his men attack the boat. His warriors fired their arrows at the row of black dots until they all disappeared.
Then it became clear to the chief that the ship was moving up the beach towards him and his men. As it crawled closer it began to shrink, getting smaller the closer it got. Parts of it folded in on its self whilst other parts unfurled into ugly, squat legs. It continued to approach him and contract until a lizard, it’s red tongue flashing, casually walked past the chief towards the group of palm trees at the top of the beach. The chief turned to watch the lizard walk past, his head in his hands. The Christian missionary was seen rubbing his eyes and reading his bible intently.
[ii] In 1973 a DC-10 crashed in the Amazon jungle with only one survivor, an eight-year-old boy from Caracas, Columbia. In 1975 another DC-10 flew into a mountain in India. The lone survivor was a six-year-old girl from Delhi. When a Boeing 737 crashed in Indonesia in 1983 a ten-year-old boy was the only survivor. In each of these cases the link seems to be the age of the survivor. In each case the children were discovered still in their seats. Because of the children’s small size their seats protected them from the shock of the impact. In 1985 a seven-year-old Jamaican child was discovered suspended from a tree still in his or her seat after a catastrophic engine failure caused the death of everybody else on board. The strangest part of each of these cases is what happened next. Each child grew up to be a mathematician, and not just any mathematician and professors with multiple MA degrees. One even went on to solve the Rehlman Conundrum, which had been unsolved for fifty years.
